The Getting To know Me

So here we have a guest blogger who chooses to remain anonymous for *insert appropriate word* here. Read and comment, see ya on the flip side.

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Didn’t gain admission into the university immediately i finished secondary school, so i was home for a bit. Always used to complain to the Mother about the fact that i didn’t have friends. Well, i did, just that the ones that mattered were in school and i wasn’t. And she’d always tell me that it’ll get to a point in my life where i’ll have so many friends, i’ll be tired. Wise woman, my ma. So i finally started this predegree course and i did have friends and i was happy…for a while.

Who are friends? Or more to the point, what exactly is friendship? I don’t have the answer to this questions and i doubt i ever will. All i know is that more times often than not, i am discontented with me ‘social’ life. Friends are supposed to just take me as i am, so why is that so hard? I know what acquaintances are and i hardly expect anything from those people, but friends? Nah…

‘Aren’t you tired of complaining about me? Because i’m tired of you complaining about me’. I hate it when i feel like i’m stuck in a friendship that i know i’m not happy in. I mean, seriously, i’m beginning to disgust myself; complaining every single time and still not able to do anything about it. I know somehow i’m learning something, but what?

What brought this out of me is the fact that i was chatting with an old friend and i swear, i wanted to cry. I miss us. I miss what we were. She really accepted me, and that is rare. I don’t know exactly what her feelings are/were but i felt really good when i was with her. I could talk to her about stuff and trust that she would listen and i won’t be scared that she would judge me or something. We’ve been through our ups and downs and still i love her. I doubt if we would’ve still been friends if she didn’t leave; the distance is both a blessing and a curse. I could go on and on about this friend that i miss so much, but i’m already crying.

Sometimes i feel so alone in the midst of people and that is the worst kind. Run to and from God so many times, i’m always scared to go back. I don’t mean to blaspheme but there are things God can’t directly do and i’m too stupid to notice when he does it indirectly. I’ve prayed, read my Bible, sang…i’ve done a lot but those can only go as far.

I have this friend and he’s always complaining about how i’m not ‘deep’ with anybody. Don’t know how else to tell him i don’t see the point in that. I mean, how am i supposed to be ‘deep’ when i don’t feel comfortable enough with you? Everybody says people don’t understand them and i hate to be a clichè but it’s true.

Sometimes i feel like i’m some sort of freak show. Some weird twisted sort of entertainment. ‘Isn’t she so funny? She reacts in the strangest of ways’. I figured if i was there for people when they needed me, they would do the same for me. I’m pathetic. They don’t even know how to be there for me…i don’t know myself. I’m that ‘friend in need’, not good enough for fair weatherness.

I’m dark. Pardon me for not being ‘sunshiney’. I don’t just want to be that person. I have come to like myself but i get so much ‘hatred’ i can’t help but hate myself sometimes.

Why i like christianity? This God has been presented to me as someone who accepts me no matter what. No matter how many times i fall or mess up, He is always there ready to take me back as long as i mean it. There are no ‘special conditions’ for being in His presence. Yes, He is sovereign but He made me, not to be a subordinate but to be loved…by Him.

Maybe this loneliness is just in my head. Maybe i do have friends that love me as much as i love them or can love them; but i don’t feel it and therein lies the problem.

Some people wonder why i love to be alone, it’s just a classic case of a girl who feels she isn’t understood by most people.

I feel like i am floating through existence;
i feel like i am living after time;
i feel like i am forced to break the silence…..is that a crime?
I feel like we are all following shadows and shadows that don’t know where to go.
I feel like i am waiting for tomorrow while today waste away!
Its just the way i feel

Asa – the way I feel

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