Dusk 15: Sa’id

Walks onto podium, shakes @0Toxic vigorously, waves at crowd…………………Hello my name is Sa’id, I am an addict.

*Flashes back to January 2012* Walking the streets of Kaduna, tie half knotted, shirt collar faded, roasted maize grabbed firmly. That was me submitting CVs from office to office, Solicited or Unsolicited.  You see I just quit my job, yes I did. You pay me peanuts and try to dictate my life at the same time, no Boss you don’t get to do that. To cut the long story short, or rather the rant, I left my wacked job with no plans of what to come, amidst all advice from friends and family, they kept saying hang in there things will change, I have been waiting for so long but it won’t, so damn all the advice I am doing this my way.

*January 13, 2013* Exactly a year after, and three promotions later; I sit in my office half the size of a football field, look at the line up of gadgets and the only thing I can whisper is “Alhamdullilah” Thank you Lord.

To the series theme proper: Hopes, dreams, expectations and fears…

Hope
Hmmmmmm, that’s a hard one, given the fact I lost hope a long time ago, *Snickers* throw faith in there somewhere. I can’t stand up to God cause I said some very terrible things to him in my trying times, I cursed, I blamed, I begged and just as I gave up on him, he turned my story around and I am so ashamed of myself I can’t bow to him in prayers. But he is “Allahu gafiru rahim”; the all forgiving. I intend to mend that bridge, I can’t do this alone, but some way somehow, he will come to my rescue as usual.

Dreams
I long for the day I work for fun and not for survival, I long for the day my wage stops being my wedge, the day color, size and taste becomes the reason I didn’t get that suit and not the price tag; dinner in Paris, breakfast in London, luxury cars, private jet etcetera etcetera…… wait!! Can’t a brother just want the simple things of life? -______-

Expectations
I work for a small financial company as an Analyst, I currently work for the Nigerian Sector, but I am hoping and praying that all the hard work I have put in get recognized and I get to work for the Holding, that is the mother company. “Father make board meetings in Paris my portion too”. Amen

Fears
I won’t sugar coat this, I will just go ahead and say it, my greatest fear is dying in the friend zone, imagine her telling me I am annoyingly nice <_<, but that will change very soon, I don’t care if I buy my way into DMs. On a more serious note I fear failure, I can’t afford to not succeed, I have tasted the good life and I am not giving it up for anything.

If you have read this far, I say thank you for listening to (reading) me rant. I am a shy person and can’t imagine writing my ordeal or experiences for others to read, that was why I chickened out from  dropping a piece on @HL_blue ‘s blog. But after reading what a lot of folks out there have to say, I was greatly inspired and decided to do this, this is wishing you all a prosperous and fruitful new year.

My name is Sa’id and I am addicted to success. *drops mic*

The Getting To know Me

So here we have a guest blogger who chooses to remain anonymous for *insert appropriate word* here. Read and comment, see ya on the flip side.

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Didn’t gain admission into the university immediately i finished secondary school, so i was home for a bit. Always used to complain to the Mother about the fact that i didn’t have friends. Well, i did, just that the ones that mattered were in school and i wasn’t. And she’d always tell me that it’ll get to a point in my life where i’ll have so many friends, i’ll be tired. Wise woman, my ma. So i finally started this predegree course and i did have friends and i was happy…for a while.

Who are friends? Or more to the point, what exactly is friendship? I don’t have the answer to this questions and i doubt i ever will. All i know is that more times often than not, i am discontented with me ‘social’ life. Friends are supposed to just take me as i am, so why is that so hard? I know what acquaintances are and i hardly expect anything from those people, but friends? Nah…

‘Aren’t you tired of complaining about me? Because i’m tired of you complaining about me’. I hate it when i feel like i’m stuck in a friendship that i know i’m not happy in. I mean, seriously, i’m beginning to disgust myself; complaining every single time and still not able to do anything about it. I know somehow i’m learning something, but what?

What brought this out of me is the fact that i was chatting with an old friend and i swear, i wanted to cry. I miss us. I miss what we were. She really accepted me, and that is rare. I don’t know exactly what her feelings are/were but i felt really good when i was with her. I could talk to her about stuff and trust that she would listen and i won’t be scared that she would judge me or something. We’ve been through our ups and downs and still i love her. I doubt if we would’ve still been friends if she didn’t leave; the distance is both a blessing and a curse. I could go on and on about this friend that i miss so much, but i’m already crying.

Sometimes i feel so alone in the midst of people and that is the worst kind. Run to and from God so many times, i’m always scared to go back. I don’t mean to blaspheme but there are things God can’t directly do and i’m too stupid to notice when he does it indirectly. I’ve prayed, read my Bible, sang…i’ve done a lot but those can only go as far.

I have this friend and he’s always complaining about how i’m not ‘deep’ with anybody. Don’t know how else to tell him i don’t see the point in that. I mean, how am i supposed to be ‘deep’ when i don’t feel comfortable enough with you? Everybody says people don’t understand them and i hate to be a clichè but it’s true.

Sometimes i feel like i’m some sort of freak show. Some weird twisted sort of entertainment. ‘Isn’t she so funny? She reacts in the strangest of ways’. I figured if i was there for people when they needed me, they would do the same for me. I’m pathetic. They don’t even know how to be there for me…i don’t know myself. I’m that ‘friend in need’, not good enough for fair weatherness.

I’m dark. Pardon me for not being ‘sunshiney’. I don’t just want to be that person. I have come to like myself but i get so much ‘hatred’ i can’t help but hate myself sometimes.

Why i like christianity? This God has been presented to me as someone who accepts me no matter what. No matter how many times i fall or mess up, He is always there ready to take me back as long as i mean it. There are no ‘special conditions’ for being in His presence. Yes, He is sovereign but He made me, not to be a subordinate but to be loved…by Him.

Maybe this loneliness is just in my head. Maybe i do have friends that love me as much as i love them or can love them; but i don’t feel it and therein lies the problem.

Some people wonder why i love to be alone, it’s just a classic case of a girl who feels she isn’t understood by most people.

I feel like i am floating through existence;
i feel like i am living after time;
i feel like i am forced to break the silence…..is that a crime?
I feel like we are all following shadows and shadows that don’t know where to go.
I feel like i am waiting for tomorrow while today waste away!
Its just the way i feel

Asa – the way I feel

Words Unspoken……

Hmmmm……*Loud Sigh* its been a while; every where is so dusty *clears cobwebs*! So why is he writing today you may wonder? *Shrugs* I can’t answer that myself either…….the question at hand is one I try to brush off of my mind whenever the thought crosses, though it is inevitable…..I try to deny it.

Death!!! the term used to describe the cessation of all biological functions that sustain a living organism.

*Can we please have a moment of silence*

Cessation science says, but what happen to emotions and memories, the pain and anguish that lingers? How does your heart forget the irreplaceable love? Mother’s Love……love so real it hurts, of sleepless nights and hunger pangs? Of naked fear and worry for your well being?

Like morning dawn chased by the rising sun; she left without a chance to say goodbye.

Dreams and memories channels of communication left to explore….to say out loud words unspoken!

Grief embodied in tears and heavy sigh, questions unanswered, puzzle unsolved yet another candle burnt in the wind

She passed the baton to you knowing fully well you aint prepared to carry on with her legacy, dreams unfulfilled.

Broken promises and words unspoken….the silent wishes of just one reunion to make everything right, take back words said but not meant….. To say words meant but not spoken!

If she could read this then I ‘d write…………

What moves through us is a silence, a quiet sadness, a longing for one more day, one more word, one more touch, we may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before she was ready to say good-bye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived. And that your life gave her memories too beautiful to forget.

The tide recedes but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand. The sun goes down, but gentle warmth still lingers on the land. The music stops, and yet it echoes on in sweet refrains…….

If she could hear me then I’d say……………

I never got the chance to meet you though through pictures I got to see where she inherited her smile ……the radiant beauty!!

The confident stride and determination so strong….. Ma’am I am happy to say you raised an exceptional woman you’d be so proud of.
The pain lingers on memories triggered…..she seeks solace in family and comfort in the hug of strangers…….

For every joy that passes, something beautiful remains; Sadly missed along life’s way, quietly remembered every day…..No longer in our life to share,but in our hearts, you’re always there.

As day comes and night falls
For the rest of our life we’ll miss you
And even though life must go on, we’ll still mourn While wishing you were home.

Take a moment outside the day to day struggle
To let the ones you really care about know that you love and cherish them, tomorrow aint guaranteed.

Lost a loved one? How did you deal with the loss? Pls share in the comment box:

Untitled 08/08/11

Head VS Heart or Heart VS Head????????????? i cant believe i am confused or rather undecided about a simple title to a blog, well you read it and decide.

Usually i am not a type of person to go all jelly weak in the kneel cos cupid shot a damn arrow (by the way tell that friggin dude i am gaan break his neck when i see him in person…………..baby cherub or not). When it comes to matters like office romance i am a green finger leaf, not inexperienced per say but i have always being undecided…………………you know GREY area kind of thing.

Funny how easy it is to judge or criticize others when you are not in their shoes, but when you get to experience it………………………Ha Ha Ha it becomes a new kind of view (3D MAX).

Dont get me wrong, i am not against office romance neither am in support but now i dont know anymore, i am a victim!!!!!

I used to be a cool, calm and collected kind of guy, but it took one chance meeting and two lunch dates to change all that……………..principle outta the window, heart in place of my head 😦 if you know what i mean. All the fibres in my body be screaming NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i  swear my ears have formed an alliance with my heart…………….one word DEAF.

I always see her from afar wearing that look they all wear, i mean young executives trying to get to the top of their game………………….confident, determined and a tad sassy,but all that changed after the first chat.

Like to describe her in detail but with all the confused emotion and mixed signals i feel right now, heaven knows that ‘partial’ is just a tip of the iceberg. Aside from being strikingly beautiful, her figure is all a monk needs to change his mind about celibacy……………the lushy lips, ample bossom, disarming smile and a walk to kill…………… erm erm  Sa’id you can like to focus now if you gaan get this stuff done!! sorry about the distraction – but not really sorry per say, i just said it because my kind of job demands you apologise for no reason at all, you probably wondering what kind of shitty job is that? not to worry if you’ve ever called a customer care line then you know what i mean……………shit there i go again rambling and she aint even here. FOCUS !!!!!!! Ok ! Ok !! “Earth to Mars, do you copy”

My case aint that of “boy meets girl, boy likes girl” kinda thing but its similar………………….Hmmmm Lord save me !! (Mumu button activated).

Cant tell when it all began but i sure know it changed after i spent the night at her  place…………….cancelled chicken order, substituted with chocolates…..one thing led to the other sha and i had to crash. For those of you with mind like gutter, sorry to burst your bubble but sleep was all we i we did. She was kind enough to let me sleep in one of her T-Shirt, that engulfing smell of her was the closest to paradise…………….how i so fantasized about those Jolie’s kinda lips too bad i had to play the perfect gentleman guest.

        After hours of deep convo i felt i have found my soulmate……………Oya this is the part you pour a bucket of cold water on me, dont bother, even the hot one wont have any effect, this feeling has got to stop, schizophrenic disorder aint got nothing on what i feel, Banky W’s strong thing has never felt so good.

Come to think of it, it seem the feeling is MUTUAL (or am i seeing things) the stolen glances, the gentle touch , prolonged laughter etc……………..well lets just hope she is laughing with me and not the other way round, http://www.jonzing.com/  right? but i swear there is definately a spark or why else would Work, Twitter, WhatsApp, SMS and calls be the order of the day? The time spent apart are still spent together virtually wirelessly, i have never appreciated my BB more.

I ask myself ……….is it possible to feel this much for someone after 288 hours? i feel a new world record coming on and dont dare tell me its infatuation or something of the like, trust me i have a degree in every one of these side feelings: Obsession, Infatuation, Fling, Pity Sex you name it but i cant seem to tag this one.

Being with her doing absolutely nothing is everything to me…………..have i caught the BUG? when is this feeling going to stop, i am like a love sick puppy (did i just use the L-Word?) if i say i didnt like it then you know i lied…………..Hmmmm issorai, issokay…………..TO BE CONTINUED

Death and a Scare !!

Everybody wonders about the day they die. The day, they leave earth and never return. Will it be a rainy day or a bright sunny day? Will our clothes be of rainbow colors or a dull grey? Will we be in love, full of life, zest and vitality? Or will it be a day filled with heart ache and heart break? A day, our hearts are clutched with pain and despair. Will we have our families around us? Or will we be alone on a dark road with shadows of our past creeping fast upon us? Will we be young and strong? or Will it be in our old age? With experiences and memories of the life we have lived clouding our brains, then we will wonder if we lived a fulfilled life, one where we had pursued our dreams and had taken bold steps for love and humanity or a life devoid of happiness, friendship and loyalty. Will our loved ones wail, tear their hair and shed never ending tears of our departure? Or will they lie back, stretch their legs, crack their knuckles, heaving sighs of relief that you’re finally gone?

All these I asked myself as I braced for the impact of the 2kilotonne mini truck headed my way at break neck speed.

It’s a long ride,takes about an hour, and when you’re driving alone it feels like it takes three. But that dreadful day was different. I must have been doing 100KMPH for all I remember. Still, I just couldn’t get there fast enough.

I need to finish this…….finish the errands as fast as I can, I promised I had call her soon.

Which will she prefer? The red purse or the brown calvin klein leather wallet? Did she miss me or not, should I get her the perfume or the music player……I continued playing 21 questions in my head.

I eased pressure off the accelerator as I approach the bend, my favorite bend on the long damp road, its breath taking when you negotiate it at 100KMPH, but today was different….I swore off that after the last crash.

I saw it from afar….a pair of dim headlights, No….this can’t be right I said to myself… its a ‘One Way’ access !!! Did he not see the no Right turn sign or he chose to ignore it?

I pressed hard on the brakes….but this somehow seem to have no effect what so ever…..there he was speeding down the wrong lane without a care in the whole wide world!!!

If this is it, when do I have my Epiphany…….the one where your life flashes before you…….Oh God not this way, at least let me say goodbye…..she’s been through so much already, so much death !!!

You are crazy dude…..the tiny voice in my head said…..you’re about to breathe your last and you still won’t let go of her; just before the collusion….I whispered “The red purse it is”

Then I heard it…..Tyre screeches, brake squealing, glass shattering, metal tearing metal………I heard it all but felt nothing, cause at that moment I felt the familiar tug of my seat belt as the air bag deployed to envelope me in its ample bosom while the car was spinning in circles……

Shhh…..Silence, and then more silence….if this is HEAVEN then its one HELL of a short ride.

Wait, this can’t be heaven…….its vaguely familiar…..I’ve been here before…..plus it smells funny too, but why is it so bright? I tried to focus but the pain won’t let me……this place reeks of antiseptic and chlorine bleach.

Welcome back…..you gave her such a scare!! ……the petite nurse said.

You’ve been gone for 3 hours ……. She walked out of the ward.

One look at her face and I knew I have put her through agony…….