Dusk 15: Sa’id

Walks onto podium, shakes @0Toxic vigorously, waves at crowd…………………Hello my name is Sa’id, I am an addict.

*Flashes back to January 2012* Walking the streets of Kaduna, tie half knotted, shirt collar faded, roasted maize grabbed firmly. That was me submitting CVs from office to office, Solicited or Unsolicited.  You see I just quit my job, yes I did. You pay me peanuts and try to dictate my life at the same time, no Boss you don’t get to do that. To cut the long story short, or rather the rant, I left my wacked job with no plans of what to come, amidst all advice from friends and family, they kept saying hang in there things will change, I have been waiting for so long but it won’t, so damn all the advice I am doing this my way.

*January 13, 2013* Exactly a year after, and three promotions later; I sit in my office half the size of a football field, look at the line up of gadgets and the only thing I can whisper is “Alhamdullilah” Thank you Lord.

To the series theme proper: Hopes, dreams, expectations and fears…

Hope
Hmmmmmm, that’s a hard one, given the fact I lost hope a long time ago, *Snickers* throw faith in there somewhere. I can’t stand up to God cause I said some very terrible things to him in my trying times, I cursed, I blamed, I begged and just as I gave up on him, he turned my story around and I am so ashamed of myself I can’t bow to him in prayers. But he is “Allahu gafiru rahim”; the all forgiving. I intend to mend that bridge, I can’t do this alone, but some way somehow, he will come to my rescue as usual.

Dreams
I long for the day I work for fun and not for survival, I long for the day my wage stops being my wedge, the day color, size and taste becomes the reason I didn’t get that suit and not the price tag; dinner in Paris, breakfast in London, luxury cars, private jet etcetera etcetera…… wait!! Can’t a brother just want the simple things of life? -______-

Expectations
I work for a small financial company as an Analyst, I currently work for the Nigerian Sector, but I am hoping and praying that all the hard work I have put in get recognized and I get to work for the Holding, that is the mother company. “Father make board meetings in Paris my portion too”. Amen

Fears
I won’t sugar coat this, I will just go ahead and say it, my greatest fear is dying in the friend zone, imagine her telling me I am annoyingly nice <_<, but that will change very soon, I don’t care if I buy my way into DMs. On a more serious note I fear failure, I can’t afford to not succeed, I have tasted the good life and I am not giving it up for anything.

If you have read this far, I say thank you for listening to (reading) me rant. I am a shy person and can’t imagine writing my ordeal or experiences for others to read, that was why I chickened out from  dropping a piece on @HL_blue ‘s blog. But after reading what a lot of folks out there have to say, I was greatly inspired and decided to do this, this is wishing you all a prosperous and fruitful new year.

My name is Sa’id and I am addicted to success. *drops mic*

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Words Unspoken……

Hmmmm……*Loud Sigh* its been a while; every where is so dusty *clears cobwebs*! So why is he writing today you may wonder? *Shrugs* I can’t answer that myself either…….the question at hand is one I try to brush off of my mind whenever the thought crosses, though it is inevitable…..I try to deny it.

Death!!! the term used to describe the cessation of all biological functions that sustain a living organism.

*Can we please have a moment of silence*

Cessation science says, but what happen to emotions and memories, the pain and anguish that lingers? How does your heart forget the irreplaceable love? Mother’s Love……love so real it hurts, of sleepless nights and hunger pangs? Of naked fear and worry for your well being?

Like morning dawn chased by the rising sun; she left without a chance to say goodbye.

Dreams and memories channels of communication left to explore….to say out loud words unspoken!

Grief embodied in tears and heavy sigh, questions unanswered, puzzle unsolved yet another candle burnt in the wind

She passed the baton to you knowing fully well you aint prepared to carry on with her legacy, dreams unfulfilled.

Broken promises and words unspoken….the silent wishes of just one reunion to make everything right, take back words said but not meant….. To say words meant but not spoken!

If she could read this then I ‘d write…………

What moves through us is a silence, a quiet sadness, a longing for one more day, one more word, one more touch, we may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before she was ready to say good-bye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived. And that your life gave her memories too beautiful to forget.

The tide recedes but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand. The sun goes down, but gentle warmth still lingers on the land. The music stops, and yet it echoes on in sweet refrains…….

If she could hear me then I’d say……………

I never got the chance to meet you though through pictures I got to see where she inherited her smile ……the radiant beauty!!

The confident stride and determination so strong….. Ma’am I am happy to say you raised an exceptional woman you’d be so proud of.
The pain lingers on memories triggered…..she seeks solace in family and comfort in the hug of strangers…….

For every joy that passes, something beautiful remains; Sadly missed along life’s way, quietly remembered every day…..No longer in our life to share,but in our hearts, you’re always there.

As day comes and night falls
For the rest of our life we’ll miss you
And even though life must go on, we’ll still mourn While wishing you were home.

Take a moment outside the day to day struggle
To let the ones you really care about know that you love and cherish them, tomorrow aint guaranteed.

Lost a loved one? How did you deal with the loss? Pls share in the comment box:

I Am Now Old

So @s_Hotzs is back here with jars of creative juice………….ehn ehn now, if i dont blow my trumpet who will?  i will just delve into this thing. The other day I was reading a post by @thetoolsman on TNC, yes oh, make i famz small…………..it was a light topic but deeply touching……..i will advice you read it here Your Father before you continue with this……….or whichever you want to do, just read !!!

*Ever think what a loved one thinks about you before their demise? Ummm…….. tough call right?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Acceptance is the first step to……………………………… sorry I forgot nobody recovers from being old.

My memory fails me. I would have loved to remember my rough and tumble play. I often wonder, “What’s it like to be a child?” It feels like an eternity. I try desperately to hold on to what is left of my thinning recollection, but it escapes me. I cannot keep it between my ears. It’s like trying to lock the wind in my fist. Futile!! !

I watch them carefully. I see me in their eyes, I see me in their every breath, in their frown, in their every smile. I am truly blessed to have them. They are my past as much as they are my future. They remind me, allow me to hold the wind. And still with much pride I look to the day of their becoming, it gives me hope for the days to come.

I remember the day of my becoming. I realize now that it was indeed not just a day,  It was my life’s journey. We are definitely clay in the hands of one much greater. With everyday I took on a new shape. With every new face I met, I understood diversity. With every girl I kissed, I learnt passion. With every ball I kicked, I gained strength. With every passing loved one, I felt grief. With every one of mother’s sweet embrace, I took in love.

There is a quiet that has come upon me, the realization that the days ahead are surely shorter than the days that have gone by. I am not afraid. Fear does not plague me. Rather, there is a knowing within me, a certainty. One I cannot explain. My silence gives room for pondering. Time has answered many of my questions, but there are many more. I know with certainty that time will surely cheat me of the answers to my deepest concerns. So I say a little prayer, “Lord, I know that I must journey on without them. Please keep all of them in that place you call the hollow of your hands, they are so dear to me. My time is short and my strength eludes me.… ”.

I am old, my eyes are heavy. I do not resist as sleep calls. There is just one thing left to do before I rest my tired limbs till the sun shines again. “Dear lord thank you for a life well lived…. (zzzzzzz)”

P.S Big S/O to @Ngufy for taking time out to edit this piece……Thanks for having my back !!!

 Feel free to use the comments section

Imperfect Me !!!

Karma is a bitch…….but hangover is Bitch’er’
Thud! Thud!! Thud!!! Goes the pounding headache in my head;
Dear Lord, take this pain away and i will never do spirits again…….yimu.

It’s a Sunday morning, after all i did last night (crooked smile), i ought to be the first person in church seeking absolution……..but the cranberries said “Salvation is Free” , Linkin park: “We don’t choose God, he chooses us“, don’t get me wrong if it were a Friday i prolly be going to the mosque.

Hmmmmm…………Sex With a Stranger!!! I can cancel that out on my “Things to do before 30”.

Oh shit!!! She is still on my bed, how do i get rid of her; she was pretty wasted yesterday so it was easy………now she is as sober as a monk?? *ghen ghen*, well issues like this tend to sort themselves.

Didn’t know i was going to score last night, broke and things………..insert *Hustler Ambition*, funny how peeps be living the Champagne life on a diet coke budget?

After all is said and done……..my pricky conscience won’t let me be……….Tryna figure out what to do next when the song on my music player caught my attention, menh !! Did that short black boy kill it or what, it’s a perfect rendition about imperfection and i can relate to it in all ways possible…………Enjoy:

Some have no imperfection
They never need correction
Never ask for direction
They’re number one selection
They’re sweet like Reese’s peas

Me i have plenty freckles
Among the sheep, I am black cos of procrastination,
I fall into much temptation
I’m never seeing cheddah (Money)
Know when I should know better.

I hear my name gotta go settle with my P, will finish this up sometime 🙂

Disclaimer: @MI_Abaga thanks for the Lyrics